Nodus Tollens

Definition: The realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore.

As muslim I know what awaits me in the future. Although not specifically, I do know how it will all be laid out generally on the Day of Judgement. I strongly believe it is inevitable. We live thinking we can do what ever we want to without being accountable for our actions. Well, the idea of the End is that everything we would go through after death is to recall again all those things we did and hold us responsible for it.

Honestly, I am terrified at the thought of that.

Every single time I am reminded of life after death, I would go into a slight delirium thinking it is going to be a long game of waiting, hopelessness and fear until I finally, finally, finally be able to reach my final resting place In Shaa Allah in Heaven. I feel like I would be going through immense suffering from the things I did before I'm able to be immortally pure. I feel so flawed. I feel the least worthy of gaining cheat controls to that game. I had a dream about it, crossing over and feeling, knowing my unfortunate fate. I can feel the regret dawning on me. There is no turning back.

Yet, it wasn't my biggest concern.

At that moment of realization that the game had just begun, I was calm. It was like I was ready to face the consequences or the least I feel the need to man up about the endless torture I will face. I was okay(?!?). I will have you know I am no where at an impressive level of Imaan at that point. The 'game' wasn't going to be easy for me! Yet, I seem to be caring less about my being! It was not right. 

Have I gone to far off of the good side that I'm indifferent about wanting to be in Heaven faster? How can I not care? I simply woke up that morning for the first sahuur of Ramadan and carried out my day. I do not get it. The only thing I did though, thank goodness, was I felt a little grateful that it was a dream and I wasn't dead after living life off Youtube binging. But in all seriousness, self, is that all the reaction that you can muster? I should have been bawling my eyes out there and then. But I didn't.

Fortunately, my take away from tonight's terawih brought me here.

I'm waking up. 

Hating myself.

I think if I dislike me enough for being this way, the snobbish and obnoxious person that thinks that she can make it in life on her own, not to mention by not trying hard and doing her best, I might just have a chance at changing and improving. Let's face it, I'm not good enough. Well, nothing in this world is mine anyway and I have no such rights to take any credits. I should know my place. I have so much to prove. And again, MasyaAllah this life is not mine to take it for granted. I owe Him for it and I should never forget it.

Mostly, because I know how much I deserve the happier future that I wanted if I understand how much effort He put to make all of us and love us everyday.

Here comes the End Semester Break, people.

Really? Holidays? Ugh. (From left; Me, Dini & Ama)

There's no hiding how much I'm not very fond of holidays. From the day I ended SPM and- well, you know the drill- I don't like the lethargic feeling holidays have on me that never fails to kill my productive-self. But have no FEAR! I am determine to GET RID of this problem of mine this holiday! I have my schedule done just yesterday and I'm optimistic that things are going to turn out better this holiday, InshaaAllah ;)

First thing first is of course to update you, dear bloggie about the current happenings that I just CAN NOT keep putting off! I owe you big time, bloggie. So, I'm going to get on that ASAP tomorrow the second I have the time after my revision, exercise drills and profound active&healthy habits *winkwink*. Ha ha. With that, here's some of the things I'm tempted to Try this holiday :D

1. push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.

2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable.

3. erase processed food from your diet. start with no lollies, chips, biscuits, then erase pasta, rice, cereal, then bread. use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it.

4. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else.

5. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.

6. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.

7. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.

8. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.

9. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.

10. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.

11. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.

12. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.

14. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything.

15. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.

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Will write soon, Inshaa Allah.