As muslim I know what awaits me in the future. Although not specifically, I do know how it will all be laid out generally on the Day of Judgement. I strongly believe it is inevitable. We live thinking we can do what ever we want to without being accountable for our actions. Well, the idea of the End is that everything we would go through after death is to recall again all those things we did and hold us responsible for it.
Honestly, I am terrified at the thought of that.
Every single time I am reminded of life after death, I would go into a slight delirium thinking it is going to be a long game of waiting, hopelessness and fear until I finally, finally, finally be able to reach my final resting place In Shaa Allah in Heaven. I feel like I would be going through immense suffering from the things I did before I'm able to be immortally pure. I feel so flawed. I feel the least worthy of gaining cheat controls to that game. I had a dream about it, crossing over and feeling, knowing my unfortunate fate. I can feel the regret dawning on me. There is no turning back.
Yet, it wasn't my biggest concern.
At that moment of realization that the game had just begun, I was calm. It was like I was ready to face the consequences or the least I feel the need to man up about the endless torture I will face. I was okay(?!?). I will have you know I am no where at an impressive level of Imaan at that point. The 'game' wasn't going to be easy for me! Yet, I seem to be caring less about my being! It was not right.
Have I gone to far off of the good side that I'm indifferent about wanting to be in Heaven faster? How can I not care? I simply woke up that morning for the first sahuur of Ramadan and carried out my day. I do not get it. The only thing I did though, thank goodness, was I felt a little grateful that it was a dream and I wasn't dead after living life off Youtube binging. But in all seriousness, self, is that all the reaction that you can muster? I should have been bawling my eyes out there and then. But I didn't.
Fortunately, my take away from tonight's terawih brought me here.
I'm waking up.
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