Sonder

Definition: The realization that each passerby has a life as vivid and complex as your own.

I still remember that long, cold afternoon surrounded by strangers in a small room with a tear-drenched hijab. I remember how intense it was to finally feel... something, after who knows how long I have been going about life as a zombie at that point. Crying at that very moment, was equivalent to a knock out of emotions and adrenaline I have never expected before, and I never felt so alive.

I would give anything to be any closer to how I felt that day.

Because walking down the road of life from time to time these days, I rarely feel I have any control or grip on things so personal like my emotions and thoughts. I left the mosque tonight feeling like I need an awakening of some sort. Even though that speaks in a such large volumes, I'd reckon any sort of awakening that really matters now and will continue to help me propel forward is the spiritual kind of awakening. Not so different from the one I had that afternoon. 

However, the bigger issue at hand with this is that how do I make it a long term thing? 

I keep on thinking about that cheesy phrase people use when the inevitable changed, "Life is what happened,". That simple yet really deep phrase hit me good tonight as I ponder on. It is the hardest to remain static in any way when life itself is such a huge bag of unpredictability. It just dawned on me that yes, again, life is never our final destination. You can't let it take hold on what's more important. 

Sighs.

Sometimes, I just feel like signs like this come so easy to me that nothing is ever impossible as long as I hold on to Him. While other times, I felt like it is just easier to get carried away by life and be happy with the little things. Then again, how grounded will I be with myself following the path of a dead fish? 

Keep praying for guidance.

Mistakes I have made I can't deny. 

Yet who's to say His forgiveness is finite.

He is Ar-Rahman and Ar-Rahim.

p/s: I'm so rusty, I can't.