Down.

I have to stop coming back here with this feeling. A feeling I can't quite explain but I know hurts so bad more than it shows. Hurts so bad that no amount of Tumblr. post can distract me from it, no amount of YouTube videos can diverge my attention, I feel no small satisfaction from talking to anyone else about how their funny lives are going on and that I understand the need for me to write it down here without bailing out. I am upset. With myself.

I know. Nothing have change, haven't it?

I am looking at my third semester accomplishments and I just wondered at how chickened out I am. Why? Because if I were to compare my accomplishments to my actual plans for this semester break, I will be deeply disappointed in myself. As the matter of fact, I am. Very very, very disappointed. No point hiding it anymore when my end semester results has confirmed how much of a failure I am. I am just such a hopeless person. I wasted my holidays by not going through with my plans that I might just suffer this few months of the new year and not make it out alive for my examinations in May/June. WHY AM I SO EASILY DISTRACTED AND LACKING MOTIVATION? I feel so disgusted at myself, I might literally kill myself for for existing.

I think the correct description would be half-assed. See, I'm not even done getting over this disappointment. Trust me, I cried my eyes out when I got my results that my eyes became golf balls, my head feels like it's been compressed to the point of exploding, my nose was runny for two days and I got a fever, two days ago. Honestly, I'm just embarrassed at how I can't stay true to my words and plans. It's frustrating and it drives me crazy most- all the time when I do that because I do like to plan. I would have all this check-list to keep things on track so I don't forget YET I don't follow them. And I know I have no one to blame for this problem of distractions nor do I have the luxury to run away from them. I just have to face them and I've failed. Every single time. This is why I never liked Holidays. Long holidays to be exact. I can't stay home that long. I can't be cooped up at home. Just like that too I totally sounded like a ungrateful person. Conflicted.

I guess, I'm just scared of everything. I'm two years out of school and my life hasn't been that impressive or going well the way I hoped it would. I could see the things I'm expected to go through for the next few years. I'm afraid that I might have bite more than I can chew. I'm coming up short here. Can I really do this? I mean, how far am I supposed to fall to rise up to occasion?