Birthdays.

I know what I want for my birthday now.

Solitary.

I mean, I don't want anything for my birthday. My birthdays, I've always spend them over the holidays, away from strangers or non-family. However, for the first time in my 18 years of life, my birthday is not on a holiday. You see, the past years, my birthday was never much of a long-awaited day. My family, we're not that festive about any celebration. Well, not-to-the-small-details kind of celebration. We'd have gifts and all, though never a surprise or tradition. I'd never had anything to look forward to and I'm fine with that. I've realized later too that gifts and surprises doesn't mean anything to me as a symbol of love and appreciation. I'd have the other days of the year as proof that these people I surround myself with care and love me. Although, you'll soon learn to cope and understand how your family works and love them back just the same way they do for whoever they are.

My concern wasn't about how I'd celebrate my birthday with my family.
It was my peers. My other half.
The people that I choose to trust and put forth more than myself despite that we have no blood relation what so ever. They're the ones that I'm most worried about.

Funny, how I feel so insecure talking about them. Not that they're not special or anything. They are, it's just that I never felt I'm special enough for them in return. Because I'm always the one that love them more. And as much as I believe in my heart that they'll do the same for me too, I don't. I mean, I've had my share of ugly sunken friendships during my early years, I just can't seem to shake them off. But, I do love them endlessly nonetheless. I've learned some good tricks about real friendship and I'm much better off now. Though at the end of the day, I still have my doubts. Reason being, my birthday this year is not on a holiday, I worry if anyone would even care to do anything for me on my birthday.

Again, I don't really mind. It's not like I've had a splendid birthday surprises over the years.
I wouldn't know of to respond anyway. Haven't got much chance to practice my surprise face.

Anyway, I shouldn't ask for anything for my birthday actually.

I'd like to be left alone. And what better way to be in solitude than in a room full of people that doesn't acknowledge you, on your best day. To walk around alone. To not have to respond to anyone. To be lost in your thoughts alone. To reflect yourself. For a day. I'd prefer that very much.

It's my last birthday before I'll turn the big two-zero. I would very much like to be able to ponder back on what I've done so far for my life and where I'm at coming to the age of twenty. I might not have cared about this that much if I'm soon-to-be 9 going 10. But, seeing that I've passed my teen years, I'm starting to take my lifetime goals seriously. Adulthood is no joke and who knew if I'll make it there even. But I will be charge and held for what ever I did, good deeds or sins, since I reached puberty. I wouldn't want to waste anymore time fooling around, knowing I've reached one more birthday. One step closer to death as we know it.

Thus, for this birthday, I'd like some solitude. To be able to reflect upon myself and repent for my sins and keep on thanking Allah SWT for another birthday, another year, another day, another morning to seek refuge and keep on living and believing in Him and nothing else. Because I'm determined to let my life be counted by days. To live life one day at a time. Knowing that this could be my last. And if it is, so be it. Because I'm making it worth my last day. Every day.

Waallahualam.

Assalamu-alaikum wa rahmat -Allaahi wa barakaatuh.